First of all, it seems pretty clear that you telling him not to watch porn isn't working. You’ve done it multiple times, and when something clearly isn’t working, it’s good to try a different approach. So, you might as well quit banging your head against the wall. Instead, try and look at the problem from a different angle. Since you don’t seem to be indicating that he’s got addiction tendencies where this interest in naked women is interfering with his work and regular life, or that his interest is deviant and tends towards anything but grown women and grown men in the photos, and he’s not cheating on you in real life, let’s figure out what’s really going on!

It would help you to understand that men are visual in a way that women aren't. They get turned on and enjoy looking at images that are beautiful and even sexual in a way that most women don't. Photos of naked women make them feel sexual in a way that photos of naked women don’t necessarily make women feel. So instead of imposing your values on him, try and understand what he likes about his porn. If you can understand it, rather than get repulsed by it, you may be able to bridge the gap that the porn is making you feel in your relationship.

Most importantly, it sounds like the big problem here is that you feel inadequate and this porn is bringing out those feelings. It doesn’t sound like you have a morality issue here as much you feel that the porn is replacing you in the bedroom. So let’s go to work there!! I think this may be the root of the problem for you.

My advice is to get to work on those five extra pounds -- and be glad it's only five extra pounds! Start working on building a hotter sex life for you and your husband. It's easy to let things slide once you're married and to forget about taking care of yourself. Get back into the grooming routine you had when you first started dating him. Look datable all the time! Smell amazing. Re-vamp your lingerie wardrobe and go through your closet and put the sweats in the way back and the form fitting, alluring clothing up front and center!

Ah the porn debacle. As April mentioned above, men are often stimulated sexually by things that are visual more so than women and porn is a medium that provides just that; however, many women enjoy porn as well (so it's not just a man's thing). There is nothing wrong with watching porn (unless it interferes with work, life, etc) although the conflict that it is causing in your marriage is the problem.

First, I want you to consider that, ever since your husband was young, he likely incorporated porn as a part of his sexual expression. More specifically, he likely always used porn for self-pleasure (masturbation), which means porn is part of his pattern. This is something he has used since he was young and, as much as you want him to, it's hard (and I'm sure unreasonable) for him to stop cold turkey. You asking him to and him not being able to stop isn't his attempt at pissing you off or ignoring what you say. Rather, it is one of his sexual outlets to use porn when he self-pleasures, both of which are a normal expressions of sexuality.

To address you mentioning that you feel inadequate and that you aren't enough for your husband. Are the two of you still sexual with each other? (if not as much as when you first met that's normal). Does he kiss you and tell you he loves you? Does he say how beautiful you are? Do you kiss him and tell him he's handsome? If no than I would be slightly concerned. If you answer yes, then I cannot see why him watching porn is demonstrative of you not being enough for him. Evidence of this is that you mention you found porn since the beginning of your relationship. So it isn't that he's just now really into porn because you aren't enough for him. He's watching porn because, well, that's just what he's been doing since he was young.

Further, because he most likely uses porn when he self-pleasures, are you comfortable with the fact that he self-pleasures? Try not to see either one as a threat to you or demonstrating that you aren't enough for him. Pleasure is a wonderful thing so try and allow your partner to experience it it many ways, as well as allow yourself to experience pleasure in many ways. Although it's difficult to understand that a partner has other means of sexual expression aside from when he is intimate with you, we are sexual beings and have many means with which to express it.

Overall, your partner watching porn or self-pleasuring is not something to worry about. And sexual desire/attraction isn't all in how much you have or haven't gained or whether or not your husband is into porn, it is YOUR confidence and YOUR acceptance of yourself that will help you to know you are one sexy woman.

If you have any question, feel free to send me a message on the site or e-mail me at drchelsea.co@gmail.com

Dear Anonymous with porn in your marriage:

I think what is more of an issue here is trust being broken by the use of porn while lying about it.

Perhaps instead of just resting on telling him you dont like it-how about some conversations about the role of porn in his life, in his day, at work, on his phone. See if you can find out if he feels he needs so much extra stimulation-is there something going on like hiding it and feeling compulsive about it, or is he just not expressing his sexual needs to you and taking it elsewhere.
Porn is impersonal sex. There are reasons folks choose impersonal sex-if you can talk about this great, if not, see a Gottman trained counselor who can explore shifting to more personal sex and intimacy building with you.

Let me know how it goes.

Peace,

Shannon Batts
www.relationshipgardening.com